All the things that need to be done, that I want to do, that other people want me to do...
There is not enought time, and I do not have enough energy.
I guess I would have the time if I had enough energy to go non-stop without rest.
But that will never happen. I have to resign myself.
Lots of regular people out there love to tell me "just do it, be tough" But I am not a regular person.
If I did that, I would end up in bed for days, which is something I can decidedly NOT afford to do.
You see, I may look fine on the outside, but I am not fine on the inside. I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, migraines, vestibular neuritis, and Raynaud's... I think that's most of it..
A handful of pills twice a day, plus a few in between as needed, keeps me on my feet. Even the simplest tasks most people take for granted consume more thought, time, and energy for me to accomplish. Being upright in the morning is an accomplishment on some days.
But I do my best to lead a regular life. I made it through grad school and I work about 30 hours a week as a nurse practitioner. I have two teenage daughters I share custody with every other week. I have two cats and two very active dogs. I have my own home that I take care of and 11 acres that came with lovely perennial gardens. Most people do not have any idea I am sick.
All of this is about all I can handle - in fact, it's just a little more than I can handle. Thank Goodness for my sister-in-law, LeAnn, who is also one of my best friends. She is always willing to help out - walking the dogs, shoveling snow, mowing grass, checking on my sick kids when I'm at work... she is there whenever I need her. She needs the pocket money, I need someone I can count on. We live in perfect symbiosis.
But there are lots of things I can't do.
I can't have sheep, not right now anyway. Maybe I'll never really have enough energy to fit sheep into my life, no matter how much I want them.
I can't work three days in a row.
I can't keep the house spotless - it's mostly clean under the clutter, if you don't like it please don't come visit. I can't go out and spend all day cleaning out the gardens.
So things get done around here a little at a time... that's how we roll.
Some days I can't do anything I planned to do. Some days I have to cancel all my plans and I spend the day on the couch or in my bed. Some days I take more pain pills than I want to. Some days the dirty clothes will have to stay in the hamper and the kids will have to make themselves frozen pizza for dinner.
Those are bad days.
If I am careful and manage my energy, I can usually avoid these bad days, but sometimes they come anyway. And I try not to get discouraged when it happens that way...
I'm sure some people reading this will think I am complaining, but I'm really just explaining my life....